There are days when I feel that I am totally ready for this trip. I think about all the people I'm going to see, all the adventures I am going to have, the sunshine, the swimming pool, the amazing God moments...you get the idea. Then there are days when I feel that I am sooo inadequate, why in the world has God placed this desire on my heart? Does He really know me, because if He did, I think He'd choose someone way more qualified! Then I start thinking of all the things that I need to get done, and how I only have a month and a half to get it together...and then I freak out! (seriously, does God really know me...cuz if He did He'd know that I get OVERWHELMED beyond overwhelmed with details).
I learned something today (crazy huh?). God is a God of details. In fact, He is the master of detail (just check out creation...or even study His Word and you'll see how intricately He uses detail to tell His story).
In this place, this overwhelmed, weak, insecure, stressed out place that I'm in...He knows. He knows that I am weak in this area, He knows that I stress out, He knows that I am frustrated and overwhelmed (have I said that enough? - I'm overwhelmed!). But He also knows me, He knows my heart, He knows that I am a girl with all kinds of crazy emotions, and you know what...He still wants to use me (not in spite of these things...but BECAUSE of them!). Somehow all of these things that make up who I am and how I function ... every small detail of who I am...is important and part of His plan.
Its still just sinking in...I have heard this before, but somehow today, after struggling to get my support letters out and feeling the time crunch, and wondering if I'm really cut out for this job since I seem to be floundering....somehow God's whisper to me during our Bible study today (on Esther) was: I know you, I love you, and I chose you (not her...not him...not them...but YOU! with all your details).
I'm glad that God doesn't get overwhelmed with details...He knows and He is in control...and it will all be used for His eternal purposes.
I hold onto this truth today, even though I still have a headache from crying, and am exhausted from trying to juggle and plan so many things, and am wishing I could just press a pause button on time so I could accomplish more, and that I could push a '$' button and have my pockets filled with all the money I needed to go, and to be able to spend more time with the people I love and care about. I hold onto this truth that God knows and He is the Master of, and over, all the details.
